Tuesday, January 06, 2009

redirecting my hope

photo by digitalhen
so i'm not getting any sleep. my almost 6 month old - just like his sister - is not a good sleeper. it's just not his thing, i guess. i spend the wee hours of the night, when everyone else is cozy in dreamland, nursing, rocking, shush-ing and soothing my baby. and sometimes after three or four nights in a row of no sleep i get a little [ok a lot] grouchy. my patience wears thin. at 3am i'm tired. i'm so tired my whole body aches; my eyes burn. sometimes the flesh of me starts to feel bitter and angry. it's not fair that you get to lay there, sound asleep, snoring! sometimes at 4am when i haven't yet slept a wink i start doubting and blaming myself. it's my fault that he's not sleeping. my milk isn't enough. i come up with crazy plans to whip up a bottle of formula and give up nursing altogether, thinking somehow this will make bubba sleep. and then i beat myself up for even having those thoughts. and the cycle is vicious. the lies in my head pile on top of one another until i practically fall apart.

but just at that very point of losing hope, i get a nudge. i get a call from the One who never lets me down.

let me testify! yesterday morning i was running on a total of approx 6 hours of sleep over the course of 3 days. [not 6 straight hours, six hours in about 30-1hr increments.] so i was grouchy, i admit it. i was about to have a full-force grumpy day. i had even planned to wear my "lazy day" clothes on our outing because i was so tired. in a sense, i was planning on my outerself reflecting the yuck of my innerself. eew.

but then i checked my email and there was a Forwarded message from daddyhall. it was his daily issue of Today's Word from Joel & Victoria Osteen. daddy hall doesn't usually forward me stuff, so i knew this had purpose. sure enough it was totally purposeful. and appropriate. it was that nudge. the scripture de jour was Isaiah 40:30-31.

just look at what it says:

"Everyone has times when they feel tired and overwhelmed by the pressures of life. But notice, this scripture gives us a clear remedy: Hope in the Lord."

tired and overwhelmed? yes. looking for a remedy? yes.

i like the way The Message Bible says it:

"He energizes those who get tired...those who wait upon God get fresh strength. They spread their wings and soar like eagles, They run and don't get tired, they walk and don't lag behind." [Isaiah 40:30-31 The Message]

soar like an eagle? i want to! it was the perfect little nudge. His timing is always perfect. ok, Lord, i hear you loud and clear. i may not be sleeping but i will redirect my hope to You, knowing You will give me energy and strength. i will spread my wings and soar, i will run and not get tired. thank you Jesus.