i sat on the floor in my bedroom and cried big and loud and hard. i hit the floor with balled up fists and buried my head in my hands. my heart literally felt like it was tearing into pieces. my stomach cramped in knots. i reached for my bible and opened it, shaking and desperate. whatever is true, whatever is noble, whatever is lovely... i knew i needed truth. a war of epic proportions was raging between Team What I Feel and it's rival Team What I Know.
my heart was the battleground. their weapons were these words:
i am alone. invisible. forgettable. i have no real friends. nobody really cares.
vs
with God, i am never alone. i am cherished, i am loved, i am a friend of God.
i am homesick. i miss my friends and the life i left behind. i'll never have friends like them again, i should just quit trying.
vs
God is faithful. He knows my heart. i am here now for a reason. He will supply every need according to His riches of glory in Jesus.
i am fat and ugly. needy. pitiful. doubter. weak.
vs
i am fearfully and wonderfully made by God on purpose for a purpose. i am beautiful in His sight. when i am weak, He is strong. He wants me to call on Him for comfort and peace. He loves me unconditionally.
i am stupid for feeling this way. pity party, party of one. self-centered. debbie downer. crazy.
vs
i need God to help me decipher these feelings. the truth and lies are getting foggy, and God is able to help me find my way back to the center, where He is. He will strengthen me! there is no condemnation in Christ, and i can take my thoughts captive, bring them into obedience and become spiritually-minded.
vs
just keep being you. serve. be strong and courageous. love like Jesus.
///
mercy. i wish i could say i channeled my inner sia and was titanium, ricocheting and bulletproof. but i wasn't. it was (it is) brutal. i'm not stone-hard. i'm raw. but i'm limping out of this valley. i refuse to wallow here.
on my bedroom floor, i laid my bible out in front of me and flipped it open. i could barely see the words on the page through my swollen and tear-filled eyes. and when i read these words, it was like i was being wrapped in a big bear hug of the arms of my heavenly Father...
psalm 94:17-19 (and it looks like i've been here before)
i pray for calibration- thank You, God, for help. Lord, turn my anxiety and sorrow into great joy. help me see clearly what is real and what is a lie. Father, lead me back to Truth. thank You, God, for unfailing love and consolation. amen.
let my cry come right into Your presence, God;
provide me with the insight that comes only from Your Word.
give my request Your personal attention, rescue me on the terms of Your promise.
let praise cascade off my lips; after all, You've taught me the truth about life!
and let Your promises ring from my tongue; every order You've given is right.
psalm 119:169-172
